Am I Being Played?

Is he pulling his usual stunt or is this guy really suffering from dementia?

The Caregiver

27 Mar 2026 — 4 min read

Photo by Kunal Patil / Unsplash

Yesterday was...interesting.

After Tom not talking to me since last Thursday, he finally sent me a text message.

"Did you change the door codes to get into your house? I tried to let your dogs out."

As much as I appreciate that he was thinking about my dogs, why would he all of a sudden concern himself with my dogs? Especially after not speaking with us for almost a week.

Yes. My husband did change the door codes.

A few weeks ago on one of our drives into Nashville, he started talking about the fact that he has been thinking about buying a gun for safety.

Safety from what exactly?

Let me remind you that my mother said the same exact words in 2014 when her partner at the time did buy her the gun that she used to shoot and kill herself within about 3 weeks after purchasing the gun.

Rich is a prepper. A hunter. Yes, we have guns and no, you're not getting into our house when we're not home.

Well, I had to respond (from work) and let him know that yes, we did change the door codes. That opened up a whole text conversation where he shared how sorry he is for everything and it seems like we want him to move out.

I explained that in my previous messages, I told him that he hasn't been my friend or my dad in a very long time and I miss that but he chose to completely ignore all of that and not acknowledge anything about our relationship and now I'm so uncomfortable that I don't even know what to say or even think.

Again, reminding him that he thinks that him having independence means ignoring us completely. He apologized and finally agreed to find a new space to live. Of course he asked me if I would help him.

Kind of a little frustrated and also happy that he felt comfortable enough to ask I found myself conflicted.

Is this what a toxic, abusive relationship is?

These head games are exhausting.

My reply to him was something along the lines of "Why would you think that I wouldn't help you? I've dedicated the last 11 YEARS of my life making sure you're okay".

I drove home in tears. I was feeling sad for having to tell him that we changed the codes, I was sad that we felt we had to change the codes. Confusion and emptiness weighed on me because I truly didn't have a clue as to where we go from here. All I could do was pray.

When I got home, I decided to check the mailbox before I pulled down our very long driveway. Tom had a check in the mail from Vanderbilt. (I could tell because he received one about a week ago)

As I drove down the driveway I saw him outside walking his dogs so I rolled my window down and flagged him down. He walked over and I have to admit, he looked like crap. Worn out like he hadn't slept in a while.

He just broke down into tears and said how sorry he is for everything. He stated that something is wrong and he doesn't know what it is but about 5-6 times a day he finds himself getting up for something and not remembering what he got up for.

I was honest and told him that I've felt that he is showing signs of dementia for quite some time now and he agreed. He asked me what would happen if he does receive that diagnosis. Honestly, I don't know anything at this point other than this is a hard, trying season for each of us.

"You will probably have to go into an assisted living facility" was all I could say. He nodded and then told me that if he can't bring his dogs with them then he wants them put to sleep because no one will take care of them like he does. "They're spoiled" he said.

Shaking my head I replied "You can't just put dogs down for no reason. That's horrible!" and he disagreed with me. That's a conversation we can finish at a later time but I'm not killing 2 dogs because you think you're the only person who can take care of them.

After about 5 minutes or so, I told him that I needed to go cook dinner and that no decisions or changes would be made until we at least see the Neurologist on April 8. He cried some more and apologized again.

Walking into the house, Rich just gave me that look like "What was all that about?" so I caught him up to speed.

We're always good about seeing each others "stuff" and he pointed out that every single time I draw a line in the sand to give Tom some tough love, he always (historically) comes up with a new ailment or issue that requires something of me and the issue at hand is either swept under the rug or we just move on without dealing with it.