Caregiver Burnout: The Moment Everything Shifted

I've tried to talk to him before.

He crossed his arms, looked away and completely ignored me.

My tone didn't matter. My volume didn't matter.

That's the moment that I realized he truly doesn't care about my feelings, my mental health or anything that I had to say.

Instant shock.

Who would act this way to the daughter that saved you from a maggot infested living situation and prevented you from going to a nursing home and has spent the past 11 years being your slave?

I was the one who was mad in this moment and I chose to remain calm and supportive and you're going to act like a damn toddler having a tantrum? You're 70!

You see, when my "dad" came to live with us in 2015 he told me and my husband that due to a prior bankruptcy and going broke from paying $87,000 cash for cancer treatments - his credit was "zeroed out" and "couldn't be restored".

Of course I knew that sounded strange but I also thought that I could trust my "dad". I should have fact checked.

Over the years, things he needed but couldn't get for himself, like a bank account, a car and a cell phone, became my responsibility. We used my name and my credit to get him the basic essentials of modern day life.

It never sat well with me but I thought I was doing the right thing.

Little by little each of these moments stored inside me like a ticking time bomb just waiting for the moment that it would erupt.

I always convinced myself that because he is elderly and fragile he needed the help. What a freaking sucker.

10 years later in 2025 I was talking, no...I was venting to a friend at church about how lazy and full of expectation my "dad" is and somehow the credit situation came into the conversation.

She looked at me and said "Whaaaaaaat? I've never heard of that before." I hadn't either and the only other person who knew about this was my husband so I found it valuable that an outsider was taken back.

In that moment I felt as if the Holy Spirit whispered "Go home and pull his credit report." so, I did.

630 - 30% higher than the national average. No derogatory marks. No missed payments. Clean and clear.

I felt rage in that moment. Adrenaline took full control of my extremities and I just started to shake. My husband looked at me and just said "How bad is it?"

My response was more of a sarcastic "Would you look at that? MY credit completely restored his".

We were both speechless and just sat for a moment trying to make sense of every racing thought that was going through both of our minds.

In that moment I felt dirty. Like tramp dirty. I felt married to 2 men.

I printed the credit report and asked my husband to please be a 3rd party and sit and witness the conversation that I was about to have with my "dad" because I've been in family situations plenty of times before where it's my word against someone else's and I wasn't about to put myself in that situation again.

We walked over and found "dad" sitting in his rocking chair watching TV, where he spends every moment of every day. Even though I've begged him to go visit one of my brothers. His response is always "Not without you" and I've pleaded with him to go to the senior center and his reply was "I don't like people!".

I sat on the couch and hubs sat in the rocking chair next to "dad" and I calmly said "Dad, I want to talk to you about how I'm feeling".

Over the next few moments I explained that we took him in when I was pregnant with our daughter and gave up our nursery just so he had a bedroom. Then, just before our daughter was born, we found a great house for rent just a mile down the road. Of course he didn't have enough money for first, last and security so my husband paid it.

Each month when his social security check barely cover rent, his car payment (or should I say MY car payment) utilities and of course, his cigarettes, hubs and I paid for his groceries.

Growing up with a mom who spent our food stamps on her cigarettes, it's always amazed me that people in poverity always manage to make those disgusting cigarettes a priority.

I continued to explain that the 3 of us (Me, him and my husband) have created something dysfunctional and things needed to change immediately. I told him that he needs to do for himself because I am not his wife or his mother.

With each task that he claimed to be too hard or something he couldn't do, I took it over. At this point, I am the one who communicates with all of his doctors, drives him to and from his doctors (Because he refuses to drive on the highway), manages his bills and bank account, you name it.

It got to the point where it was quicker or easier for me to just do it, and boy did he love it when I didn't make him accountable to himself. I just didn't see it at the time, I confused it with gratitude because he would verbally love bomb me/us. "You and Rich do so much for me. I don't know where I'd be without you guys."

Yeah, I bet not!

He sat there and listened and then...

I slid 2 pieces of paper across the ottoman towards him and softly said "This is your credit report. The one that you told me was zeroed out and could never be restored. Well, your score is 630 which is 30% higher than the national average"

That's when I paused and waited.

Not only did I not get the response I was looking for, I didn't get one at all.

He crossed his arms, looked away and completely ignored me.

At this point I was livid and said "I feel like I got scammed by a con artist and you have nothing to say?"

He continued to ignore me with arms crossed looking away.

One last time I asked "You have NOTHING to say to me?"

Crickets.

I stood up, told Rich we're leaving and I slammed the door on my way out.

We've not been the same since and never will.

That's the moment I realized that he truly, deeply doesn't care about anyone or anything about himself and it is going to be difficult to get him off my property.

Last night I finally breeched that conversation. The one of him leaving. His final response was "I like living here. I'll stop asking you for anything other than rides to the doctor." He still doesn't get it.

This isn't going to be easy. I'll tell you that story next time because today, I am emotionally drained. Like numb and empty at the same time.

I'll tell you 3 things that have really helped me today.

1) My Copa-Calm Magnesium spray. I'm not kidding. This spray is so great at calming and releasing tension.

2) The BrilliantPlus App that continues to teach me about my relationship with God. Yes, I am a Christian and not perfect.

3) Friends who listen and pray with me, for me and over me.

If you're in a caregiving situation and looking for calm, please do check out the Magnesium and the app. I use them both daily and highly recommend.

Til next story...

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