Happy Birthday to Me

Well, Tom is finally out!

I know, you've missed a lot but the truth is, I've been drained and not in a writing kind of mood.

The Friday before Father's Day I was talking with Rich and I think that was the first moment where we actually both realized how much anger and resentment was stewing in both of us.

Rich mentioned that he has had enough and was ready to go to the courthouse on Monday to file an eviction. I also knew it was time for Tom to go but I didn't want it to get all 'legal'. I was already exhausted and mentally drained, I didn't want another uphill battle.

So, Rich hopped onto Zillow and found some really nice places and I made the phone calls. My first call was a place that I was certain was the place for Tom. Quiet, single family home, off of any main roads and affordable.

The owner told me that an elderly couple was driving in from the Carolinas to look at it and he felt obligated to honor the first come first serve system, which I understood. He stated that he would call me on Saturday to tell me if they were taking it or not. If they didn't want it...it was Tom's.

Only one thing left to do...

tell Tom.

Sometimes I'm such a chicken and I also knew that I couldn't wait another moment or else would get more awkward tomorrow when I say "Hey, get in the car. We're going to look at a rental".

I walked outside to water my plants and try to decompress. I say try because Tom always knew when we were outside and he would race outside with his 2 dogs, who would jump, scratch and climb all over us and Tom would just sit there and watch them do it. My quiet gardening time was stripped from me with him just standing there staring at me, attempting to make small talk while his dogs reminded him of who the alpha really is.

Knowing that I might get the call tomorrow, I felt the urge to rip off the bandaid. I looked at Tom and asked "Are you in a good mood?"

He said "Yeah, why"

I just looked at him and explained that I found a great place and we might go look at it tomorrow. I asked "How do you feel about that?" and he just shrugged his shoulders.

So, I took out my phone and showed him pictures. I could tell he was getting a little excited.

Saturday afternoon came and my phone rang just before 1pm. It was the owner of the house letting me know that the house had been rented.

I felt defeated but I was also optimistic now that Tom knew I was actively looking.

Did you catch that key word? "I"

Not him.

But when he wanted dogs, he scoured the internet and found 2 dogs in Ohio and asked my husband to drive him to Ohio, which...he did. Twice.

The guy is truly lazy and refuses to give any effort, I don't understand it.

This is where God stepped in a little closer.

The next morning was Father's Day. I was drinking coffee just scrolling Facebook and out of "nowhere" this beautiful single family home appeared of my newsfeed. It caught my attention as it was in my town, apparently a FB Marketplace post and the price was affordable.

All of a sudden I see this message pop up on my phone that says "Your message has been sent" and I sat back like um, I didn't send any message, so I continued to read the listing. It was fantastic until I got to the part that said no dogs.

So, I stopped reading there but a message came back on my FB messenger that said "Yes, it is"

I thought: yes, it is, what?

When I opened the chat I realized that my thumb had hit a prewritten prompt on the marketplace listing asking if the place was still available.

I thanked her and said "I see there are no dogs allowed but my dad has 2 small dogs so thank you anyway" and she said "Wait. Here's John's number. Give him a call anyway, it might not be a problem"

I almost didn't call.

John answered and was the sweetest man ever. We talked about my dad, his dogs and John invited us over to see the place.

I texted Tom and said "Place #1 fell through but we need to go look at another place, come for a ride" and we drove over to the property, which is about a 10 minute drive from my house.

When we pulled up, I found myself speechless.

It was so much more than I ever prayed for.

Gated. Quiet. Single family home on a compound with a wonderful family. 2 ponds, walking trails and the house is 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, fully handicapped accessible. I knew I wanted it for Tom and fully expected him to throw a tantrum and fight me.

He didn't.

He loved it and we signed the paperwork right then and there.

July 1 (2 long weeks away) was the official move in day!

When I got home, I verbally vomited on Rich and I could just see the relief in his eyes like "This is real? You're not kidding?" That night I got NO sleep because my brain wouldn't shut off. I was excited that we were getting our life back.

Rich went into full on moving mode. Gathering like a squirrel preparing for winter. Moving things Tom didn't use daily down to the garage so moving day would be quick and painless and Tom went into a mode I've never seen.

He donated all of his used puzzles, donated clothes he no longer wore. It was strange. All I kept thinking is "Why didn't he live like this all of the time?"

Moving day came and Rich and his incredible friend had absolutely everything moved within a few hours.

Tom decided to let everyone know that he had an eye appointment and would be attending that while Rich and his friend continued to work but Rich didn't care. This was like Christmas Day!

When we pulled away for good that day, we expected to feel lighter, happier...relieved and we did because Tom's negative, nasty energy would no longer consume our home but now we had to face what he did to our apartment in our home.

Black mold was caked into the shower. Windowsills were completely ruined from water. A thick yellow and sticky substance covered every single wall, fixture, door handle. We were both convinced Tom had been smoking in here, what else could cause this?

Rich wanted to break down and cry. I wish I could cry. It's like I'm incapable but I was mad as hell.

For the next 3 days, we worked like dogs (Rich more than me) scrubbing walls, sanding windowsills, 3 rounds to scrub, clean and re-caulk the bathroom and shower.

Who would do this? After EVERYTHING we've done, he had the balls to leave us like this.

It's been 14 days and Tom hasn't called or text to check in or say hello, so that reiterated what I said to him last year when I pulled his credit report.

"You don't care about me or our relationship."

This proved it. Until yesterday.

He texted me to see if he had left some papers behind. Still nothing about us, just his papers.

I said "NO! You have nothing here" and he picked up the phone to call me.

He reminded me (as if I don't know) that my birthday is coming up on Saturday July 18 and he offered to take us to dinner to celebrate. I just kind of said "Yeah that sounds good"

I don't know WHY I am not mean to him. He has USED, manipulated and could give 2 shits about me or my husband, it has been shown through MANYYYYYYY actions and I still can't tell this guy to fuck off?!

What is my problem?

I walked in the door and told Rich that Tom wants to take us to dinner and he instantly blurted out "Uh, no. I'm not going anywhere with him. You want to leave our house like THIS and expect us to have anything to do with you?"

He's right. I really don't want to go to dinner or anywhere with Tom but I can't find myself just erasing him from my life.

So, I'll figure out a way to dodge that situation.

But...that's where we're currently at.

See you in the next Tom chronicles.

As a member, you can leave a comment. I would actually love your take on this whole article. Thoughts?

Would you be willing to support Confessions of a Caregiver by leaving a tip? This helps cover the cost of the Ghost platform to keep this publication running for other caregivers who feel alone and isolated? You are under no obligation to tip and if you do, it is appreciated more than you know.